there aren’t enough safety locks in Colorado…

…to save my son from himself.

I’ve written here several times about jman’s crazy stunts off of living room furniture, on bathroom fixtures, at events, etc. it should be no surprise to you that I already have a running mental list of the cast colors I am planning for j. I am just considering it a small victory that he hasn’t yet realized that he can, in fact, swing from the light fixtures.

his newest “trick” is getting all soaped up in the bathtub and sliding down the slanted back part into the water. it’s like a mini-slide that’s really steep and makes a hellava splash. he just laughs and laughs and does it over and over. it seemed harmless enough until he flipped around backwards and caught his jaw on the edge and clamped his teeth together really hard. if his tongue had been in between the two he’d probably have bitten a hole clean through it. luckily, it wasn’t. unluckily, he realized when he clamped his teeth together hard that they clicked when they closed like dinosaur teeth. now, he clicks and clacks all over house all day. now, I’ve never been the type to be bothered by noisy toys but the noise of him slamming his teeth together is like a little cash register going off in my head for all the dental work this could cause- $4000 for braces, $200 for pulled teeth… Cha Ching! Cha Ching!

I wish my son was just a meathead that used only his brawn for entertainment (ok, not really), but the little dude’s antics don’t stop at physical contortion and propulsion. he is also the most curious of georges. Jerry and I used to try to dog proof our house and our running joke was “how long before the dogs outsmart us”. it was usually at least a couple of days. with our son we aren’t even in the ballpark. let me give you an example:

me: did you know those night lights unscrewed at the top?

jerry: ummm… yeah. how else do you change the lightbulb?

me: no! the top of the lightbulb unscrews from the rest of the lightbulb.

Jerry: huh? what are you talking about!

me: the lightbulb screws into the plug part, but then the top half of the lightbulb screws off where that little band thingamajigger is.

Jerry: oh cool. I don’t know why you’d need to do that ever, but ok. how’d you figure that out.

me: I didn’t. jack did.

when I first saw what he’d done, I leapt across the room in some sort of move that probably resembled lord of the dance or a cartoon character whose legs are moving but they’re not going anywhere because I thought he’d broken the bulb and was playing with shards of glass. (totally believable for my son). as luck would have it he merely unscrewed it for whatever reason. thank.sweet.8lb.baby.Jesus

I worry about this child, I do. I’ve caught him I don’t know how many times sticking God knows what into the outlets. we put those little plastic things on, but if he is bored enough and has enough time (2-ish minutes) he can take them off and prepare to give himself a homemade white boy fro with nothing but an outlet, bobby pins, and determination.

also, he knows how to lock and unlock doors and how open doorknobs. we had to turn the knob on his door around so that we can lock him in at night. on more than one occasion this week he has decided that he was tired, come to me, said “night night”, walked into the master bedroom and locked himself in. he has come out after what I’m guessing was a catnap. I’ve started carrying around a Swiss army knife so that i can get into the rooms he goes into or, you know, back into the house. TWICE this week I’ve gone into the garage to get something and the little shit has locked me out. sure 1 year old, babysit your sister for me. I’ll just take this opportunity to run up to starbucks. ugh, I think not.

oh the joys of being his momma. 🙂 actually, there are LOTS of joys. like this picture:

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seriously, how could you not love that little guy? just don’t give him 5 minutes alone with a paperclip, car battery, and banana or he’ll be giving mcgyver a run for his money.