*tough*

so I’ve been a little whiney lately while trying to gather information on this whole deployment thing. I won’t pretend I’m ok with it yet or have I figured out how im going to handle it yet, but I’m getting more and more ok with it everyday. I’d put myself at a solid 25% today. that’s better than where I was the last time I wrote about it. that day I was doing well to be at a 0% okness level.

I still cry if I think about it too hard and I still have a sick feeling in my stomach. I’m really trying not to waste away the time we have together before he goes. I told J yesterday (after I threw up) that I suspected this deployment would be a lot like throwing up. you dread it and dread it and pray to God, Allah, and/or Kermit (hey, whatever you are into) that it won’t happen. trouble is, if you gotta throw up you just gotta. it always inevitably happens and when it’s happening it’s never as bad as you imagined it would be (hence all the pleading) and when it’s done, you feel like a rockstar. I hope deployment is a lot like that.

my newest list of concerns are loneliness and meal time. I’m no freakin’ Paul Deen, y’all. I’d rather bake a cake than cook a meal. I’m a huge proponent of “family meals” but even at breakfast and lunch when it’s me and the kids while Jerry is at work, it’s gut-wrenchingly lonely. my son can talk, sure, but we cant exactly carry on a conversation about anything on my level… and Lord knows I wouldn’t try to make him. I’ll probably spend a lot of time with my tv. I need the noise to keep me distracted enough to function. even when j has staff duty, I sleep with the tv on. I just can’t sleep w/o the company.

those key hours between 430-930 or bedtime are probably going to be my worst. Jerry should be up where he is going by the time I go to bed and that’ll be good… nothing like going to sleep after a phone call from your hubs just before bed. I wonder how he’s feel about me staying on the phone w/ him all night long? I’ll just listen to him go about his day instead of the tv. I guess I’d better get Vonage. 🙂

Anyway, just some thinking. if you have any ideas of ways I can keep myself busy let me know. I had a friend once say “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, so handle it” still, I’m praying tonight and have been praying for something/anything that will change my situation enough that this year w/o him is tolerable. and I realize, be careful what you wish for so every night I specify to God “but I still want us to love each other and want to be married and be happy” :). what I mean is that maybe God will surprise me with a great friend getting a job here or a change of plans for the deployment or heck idk. God is super creative.

I do have comfort though in knowing that God has already seen me through this. He knows exactly how it’ll play out, what I’ll learn, how I’ll grow, and how I’ll come out the other end. He has carried me too far to drop me now.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Lauren
    Feb 15, 2012 @ 20:40:45

    could you go with him?

    Reply

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