tears

its 3am. I woke up at 1 to go to the bathroom and I’ve just kinda been suspended in sleeplessness for the past two hours. I can tell you one thing, I’ve got a ball of tears deep in my stomach that I almost can’t fight anymore. I feel so weak for not being more stoic… more unaffected. when I went to West Point, I was saying “I’ll go” but never did I say “I’ll sit back and watch my loved ones go”. I didn’t go to West Point to bag a husband so that I could be a stay-at-home Army wife. I didn’t plan on having two kids under two when I took my oath at RDay. I didn’t plan on my husband leaving me and the kids for a year to go on deployment. I didn’t *plan* any of this. It all just happened, the way life tends to do, and I am eternally grateful, but also extraordinarily out of my element.

I have the ability to pack my emotions in neat little containers and put them on shelves until I need them… usually, anyway. Although I’m not now, nor have I ever been good at handling turmoil with others who I care about. But that is a different story entirely. Just felt the need to put that out there since I intend to reflect completely on my emotions now as a way of hopefully unburdening myself some.

With all that said, this is what I am looking at: I have 2 kids, I’m 2000 miles from family (although my cousin lives 2 hrs away now… thank goodness for small blessings), and my husband/best friend is going to deploy for a year. He was asked to do this job and it’s a HUGE honor (although it still feels a lot like volunteering to me), but I can’t shake the feeling that he is picking his job over us even though I SO want him to be happy in his job. (That stings a little to put on paper… I’ve only just now admitted it to anyone. myself included) A year?!? A year of my families life… just gone. Sure, it’s only a year of 18 we have with these precious children. The past 8 months with my sweet Clara and my Jackman have gone by so fast that at times I have to pinch myself to believe that it’s actually January. But, oh my word– what 2/3 of a year it’s been! I lose my breath at the thought of all the things my husband will miss in just one short year of their lives.

And I am scared. Terrified. actually, I don’t think either of those words can even touch what I’m feeling. I’ve got a fear so deep inside of me that I’m scared to even find out how scared I really am. I literally live for the moments that I can spend with my family. I spend the whole day just waiting for 5 o’clock or 6 or on lucky days 330 to roll around so that we will all be at home together again. I do enjoy the help when J gets home, but mostly I just miss being a unit of 4. that’s the way we work best… as a family.

I am so blessed to be able to stay at home with the kids. after Clara spent 2 months on oxygen, I decided that I’d rather spend every moment of the very short 18 years I have with them at home with them rather than plugging away at a job that makes me unhappy (which is where I was when I decided to leave). so here I am. in 2 short years, I’ve moved twice, had 2 babies, quit my job, and landed here in a whole new world with the very real deployment just 3 short months away.

again, I knew what *I* was signing up for when I went to west point. I could have never predicted life’s events and how I’d fall in love with the guy who sat in front of me in British Lit. I realized that I might have to leave my family behind to go overseas but I only saw that as leaving my mom and dad, not this whole additional family unit. I tell my husband all the time “I didn’t sign up to be an Army wife” because I signed up to be a Soldier. We married when I was still in and I guess i never really thought past my ETS about the life of an Army wife. Here I am and now I’m about to do what Army wives do all the time- take a year by myself to raise this family. Unfortunately, I’m
probably the weakest of any Army wife I’ve ever met. Funny how that works out.

I realize that I’m probably rambling, but I just couldn’t keep this bottled up inside me for fear of boiling over any longer.

What do I do now? My biggest weights on my shoulders are just questions. They may seem simple, but to me they’re enough to bring on a flood of tears. How will I handle everyday? How will I grocery shop? What will I do if something happens and I need help? What will I do on the bad days when I just need someone to help me see the humor in all this? How will I fill my days? What will I do to keep the loneliness from creeping in? How will I give them enough love for 2 parents worth? How do I keep my husband from feeling like he is missing out? How do I breath?

I know it’s only a year, but that’s where I am at. I know people have been through worse, but this is where I am at. I know this may sound irrational to some, but again this is where I am at.

I’m not in this alone. I’ve got 2 people who God so graciously entrusted me with that I have to keep trucking along for. Everything thing I do is for them. I have to be the best parent that I can and raise them by myself for the next year. I guess that is what frightens me most of all. I won’t have my back-up here to comfort me on my worst of days and pat me on the back on my best. I’m just 100% at a loss. How am I going to do this next year? How am I going to be me w/o the other half of me and a very important part of my family missing?

I guess that’s why I have this knot off tears that just won’t go away… and I don’t know when it will.

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