“regular spartan woman”

I’ve had a much better couple of days. I get like 5% better everyday, but apparently the 30% ok mark was enough to keep me from errupting into tears. whoop! I told J I hadn’t cried in a couple days and he said “you are a regular spartan woman”. lol. niiiiccceee. my answer to him was “it takes a village to raise a child and that’s exactly what they lived in!!!”. I’d be cool if my parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins lived next door… or in the next tent over or whatever. as it stands, everyday is a little better. I’m
thankful for that.

in other non-deployment related news: my kids are friggin adorable. in about the last month or so, they’ve started playing together. it’s hilarious. you can see jack’s little wheels turning trying to figure out if it’s awesome or a real pain in the backside. either way, I love watching them play together. I’m so thankful that I am able to be here with them everyday. I really dislike the Army sometimes, but it has made it possible for me to be at home with my sweet babies. whenever I think about going back to work, the number 1 thing in my mind is “but they’d be in different rooms at daycare” no bueno. I guess I could hire a nanny, but I really enjoy being the expert on my kids. it’s my favorite subject to be an expert on, actually. I’m too type A to give that over to someone else. There are times when my gorgeous babies are mysteries to me, but most of the time I know just what they need. It’s very fulfilling for me.

Right now, manners are the número uno practice at our house. Everytime J says “thank you momma/daddy/random other person” without being prompted my little heart swells. there aren’t too many times that he forgets to say “please” either. squeal! now I just have to each him not to brandish a twizzler like nunchuks and he will be all set. he is also learning numbers, shapes, letters, and word recognition. sometimes I am amazed at him. he will properly identify a shape or recognize a word like “cow” and I’m blown away.

sister is clapping and walking. I’m scratching my head trying to figure out where my baby went. she loves to “wrestle” with J, which is actually just her trying to tickle him. it’s funny bc she and Macy (my 2nd pet) have a lot in common. J has a surprising amt in common personality wise as well w/ manhattan. (hopefully minus the whole peeing on my floor thing). man is really laid back until he isn’t and then he is a complete whackadoodle. macy is high strung and into everything– much like sister. clara has a real opinion about EVERYTHING and she will let you know it. so funny someone so small has such a big personality. i think we are in for some interesting teen yrs.

anyway, I’m off to bed. more later. night!

*tough*

so I’ve been a little whiney lately while trying to gather information on this whole deployment thing. I won’t pretend I’m ok with it yet or have I figured out how im going to handle it yet, but I’m getting more and more ok with it everyday. I’d put myself at a solid 25% today. that’s better than where I was the last time I wrote about it. that day I was doing well to be at a 0% okness level.

I still cry if I think about it too hard and I still have a sick feeling in my stomach. I’m really trying not to waste away the time we have together before he goes. I told J yesterday (after I threw up) that I suspected this deployment would be a lot like throwing up. you dread it and dread it and pray to God, Allah, and/or Kermit (hey, whatever you are into) that it won’t happen. trouble is, if you gotta throw up you just gotta. it always inevitably happens and when it’s happening it’s never as bad as you imagined it would be (hence all the pleading) and when it’s done, you feel like a rockstar. I hope deployment is a lot like that.

my newest list of concerns are loneliness and meal time. I’m no freakin’ Paul Deen, y’all. I’d rather bake a cake than cook a meal. I’m a huge proponent of “family meals” but even at breakfast and lunch when it’s me and the kids while Jerry is at work, it’s gut-wrenchingly lonely. my son can talk, sure, but we cant exactly carry on a conversation about anything on my level… and Lord knows I wouldn’t try to make him. I’ll probably spend a lot of time with my tv. I need the noise to keep me distracted enough to function. even when j has staff duty, I sleep with the tv on. I just can’t sleep w/o the company.

those key hours between 430-930 or bedtime are probably going to be my worst. Jerry should be up where he is going by the time I go to bed and that’ll be good… nothing like going to sleep after a phone call from your hubs just before bed. I wonder how he’s feel about me staying on the phone w/ him all night long? I’ll just listen to him go about his day instead of the tv. I guess I’d better get Vonage. 🙂

Anyway, just some thinking. if you have any ideas of ways I can keep myself busy let me know. I had a friend once say “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, so handle it” still, I’m praying tonight and have been praying for something/anything that will change my situation enough that this year w/o him is tolerable. and I realize, be careful what you wish for so every night I specify to God “but I still want us to love each other and want to be married and be happy” :). what I mean is that maybe God will surprise me with a great friend getting a job here or a change of plans for the deployment or heck idk. God is super creative.

I do have comfort though in knowing that God has already seen me through this. He knows exactly how it’ll play out, what I’ll learn, how I’ll grow, and how I’ll come out the other end. He has carried me too far to drop me now.

tears

its 3am. I woke up at 1 to go to the bathroom and I’ve just kinda been suspended in sleeplessness for the past two hours. I can tell you one thing, I’ve got a ball of tears deep in my stomach that I almost can’t fight anymore. I feel so weak for not being more stoic… more unaffected. when I went to West Point, I was saying “I’ll go” but never did I say “I’ll sit back and watch my loved ones go”. I didn’t go to West Point to bag a husband so that I could be a stay-at-home Army wife. I didn’t plan on having two kids under two when I took my oath at RDay. I didn’t plan on my husband leaving me and the kids for a year to go on deployment. I didn’t *plan* any of this. It all just happened, the way life tends to do, and I am eternally grateful, but also extraordinarily out of my element.

I have the ability to pack my emotions in neat little containers and put them on shelves until I need them… usually, anyway. Although I’m not now, nor have I ever been good at handling turmoil with others who I care about. But that is a different story entirely. Just felt the need to put that out there since I intend to reflect completely on my emotions now as a way of hopefully unburdening myself some.

With all that said, this is what I am looking at: I have 2 kids, I’m 2000 miles from family (although my cousin lives 2 hrs away now… thank goodness for small blessings), and my husband/best friend is going to deploy for a year. He was asked to do this job and it’s a HUGE honor (although it still feels a lot like volunteering to me), but I can’t shake the feeling that he is picking his job over us even though I SO want him to be happy in his job. (That stings a little to put on paper… I’ve only just now admitted it to anyone. myself included) A year?!? A year of my families life… just gone. Sure, it’s only a year of 18 we have with these precious children. The past 8 months with my sweet Clara and my Jackman have gone by so fast that at times I have to pinch myself to believe that it’s actually January. But, oh my word– what 2/3 of a year it’s been! I lose my breath at the thought of all the things my husband will miss in just one short year of their lives.

And I am scared. Terrified. actually, I don’t think either of those words can even touch what I’m feeling. I’ve got a fear so deep inside of me that I’m scared to even find out how scared I really am. I literally live for the moments that I can spend with my family. I spend the whole day just waiting for 5 o’clock or 6 or on lucky days 330 to roll around so that we will all be at home together again. I do enjoy the help when J gets home, but mostly I just miss being a unit of 4. that’s the way we work best… as a family.

I am so blessed to be able to stay at home with the kids. after Clara spent 2 months on oxygen, I decided that I’d rather spend every moment of the very short 18 years I have with them at home with them rather than plugging away at a job that makes me unhappy (which is where I was when I decided to leave). so here I am. in 2 short years, I’ve moved twice, had 2 babies, quit my job, and landed here in a whole new world with the very real deployment just 3 short months away.

again, I knew what *I* was signing up for when I went to west point. I could have never predicted life’s events and how I’d fall in love with the guy who sat in front of me in British Lit. I realized that I might have to leave my family behind to go overseas but I only saw that as leaving my mom and dad, not this whole additional family unit. I tell my husband all the time “I didn’t sign up to be an Army wife” because I signed up to be a Soldier. We married when I was still in and I guess i never really thought past my ETS about the life of an Army wife. Here I am and now I’m about to do what Army wives do all the time- take a year by myself to raise this family. Unfortunately, I’m
probably the weakest of any Army wife I’ve ever met. Funny how that works out.

I realize that I’m probably rambling, but I just couldn’t keep this bottled up inside me for fear of boiling over any longer.

What do I do now? My biggest weights on my shoulders are just questions. They may seem simple, but to me they’re enough to bring on a flood of tears. How will I handle everyday? How will I grocery shop? What will I do if something happens and I need help? What will I do on the bad days when I just need someone to help me see the humor in all this? How will I fill my days? What will I do to keep the loneliness from creeping in? How will I give them enough love for 2 parents worth? How do I keep my husband from feeling like he is missing out? How do I breath?

I know it’s only a year, but that’s where I am at. I know people have been through worse, but this is where I am at. I know this may sound irrational to some, but again this is where I am at.

I’m not in this alone. I’ve got 2 people who God so graciously entrusted me with that I have to keep trucking along for. Everything thing I do is for them. I have to be the best parent that I can and raise them by myself for the next year. I guess that is what frightens me most of all. I won’t have my back-up here to comfort me on my worst of days and pat me on the back on my best. I’m just 100% at a loss. How am I going to do this next year? How am I going to be me w/o the other half of me and a very important part of my family missing?

I guess that’s why I have this knot off tears that just won’t go away… and I don’t know when it will.

ok wow.

i knew it had been a loooooong time since I’d blogged, but I didnt realize it was like september long. man, it’s been a busy 3+ months.

for starters: my BFF Christine and I had an awesome month long visit. it was great being able to spend time w/ her and baby w. while she was here, I also got j and c enrolled in boutique modeling and that has really taken me on a journey that I never could have predicted.

we got c baptized. that came about in sort of an odd way. I’ll post that later probably.

I really have no idea what happened the rest of November. December 3rd we had J’s bday party. sesame street or bust! we decorated for Christmas, had Christmas, and I have no idea where the last few weeks have gone.

I opened a photography business right at the same time I was gifted, yes gifted, another business so my photography business is on the back burners.

all in all, this is not where I thought I’d be in my life, but I’ll be rolling with the punches.