what the Hell was I thinking

I write this as I am in the throws of toddler Hell. like seriously, toddler mother effing Hell. if you think my language is foul, you underestimate just how horrible this situation is that I am suffering through right now. 2 weeks ago, I decided to fly to Mississippi w/ my 4 month old and my 21 month old…by myself. what the eff was I thinking?

as if this situation weren’t on the verge of complete and utter insanity even IF my son had taken a nap today, please imagine for a moment how terrible it must be knowing that he didn’t nap. yes, I am currently ignoring him and writing this because I am afraid if I didn’t do something to distract myself I’m going to get off the plane as mother to one child, not two.

so far he has smacked his sister in the head with his toy as hard as humanly (toddlerly) possible. this sent my normally very reliably calm baby into a screaming fit. jack is quite the sympathy crier so then I had a symphony of wailing and I was getting plenty of nasty looks. I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs “I’m doing the best I fucking can, ok!!!!!!!!” and then disappear into thin air.

in addition to giving his sister’s perfectly round head some character, he has also constantly kicked the seat in front of us and he threw his sippy cup like a garter and phwapped the guy behind us. I don’t know how to discipline that. he is currently strapped into his carseat so it’s not like I can do timeout. I’ve told him “no”, but that doesn’t do me a whole Hell of a lot of good if I can’t discipline him when he defies my “no”.

I brought along a bunch of toys and we’ve currently lost half to the floor with no hope of recovery. I don’t really care about that part but we have been playing “fetch” and I could do without that fun since I’m not a dog and have no plans to become one in the foreseeable future.

I planned to feed c on the way up, but she HATES breastfeeding covers and was whipping my cover around like zorro’s cape while it was still around my neck. I now have a “rug” burn on my neck and a hungry daughter who also has expertly taken 3 shadoobies in the past 2 hours. I can’t leave j to go to the bathroom so I’ve changed 3 diapers on my lap and been peed on. I’m also just whipping my boob out now. I’m waiting to see if TSA awaits me and my toddler terrorist when we deplane. I’m sure the stewardesses are informing air traffic control of nipplegate as we speak.

me and my piss jeans are O-V-E-R this flight. I keep staring at the clock and hoping that it’ll be over soon. i think I’m in some horrible parallel universe where the time actually stands still.

about 30 minutes ago I prayed and prayed about what to do. I’m not saying God led me to medicate my kids, but the idea of giving them medicine to help them calm down popped into my head shortly thereafter. j and c are now both finally asleep. thank goodness.

I forgot to mention that before we even got this show properly on the road (or air?), j was running on the people mover with his Daddy. he bit it hard and gave himself a bloody nose. at which time we realized that his wipes were left in the family restroom. and for the icing on the cake, someone on the plane keeps passing gas, farting, tooting, letting loose a weeping willow, or whatever the Hell you wanna call it. every single time I’m sure it’s one of my kids exploding out of their diaper. I mean Hell, my pants are already covered in pee…why not add a little solid to the show?

I got a significant amt of help from the flight attendant getting on the plane. I have no idea what kind of situation I’m going to be getting myself into getting off. I’m thinking we should probably wait and get off last but when things are bad, I want my momma and things.are.bad. I just want to be the first one running off the plane and go see my mom and dad. I think I actually just had an idea. hmmmmm. we will see if it’ll work.

I’ll keep you posted.

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*Motrin*- a mom’s best friend

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