bastard pie.

ever since i went extreme part-time at my j-o-b and started staying at home with my nuggets, i have proclaimed myself a domestic diva and strive everyday to live up to that title.  it’s surprisingly harder than you would think 1. because i have an almost 2 year old terrorist living in my house and 2. because i have never been a self proclaimed diva before and am not completely sure what being a diva entails. 

my best guess at divadom or divatude is that i should be making dinners everynight for my family.   when i was working we ate out A LOT. the loss of my income combined with the fact that my son acts wiggity whack at restaurants is part of the reason why i have started making dinners from scratch most every night.   i also enjoy making other odd treats like my caramel cake and and rice krispies.  i am a good-time gal (of the homemaking variety) and i’ll try anything once.   i have had a few godawful disasters in the kitchen.  two weeks ago i made homemade “aunt annies” pretzels.   aside from the fact that it looked like my kitchen had undergone a flour insurgency attack, the pretzels tasted like baking soda and ass.  

last week when we were in pennsylvania, i got spoiled with delicious homegrown tomatoes, corn, zucchini, cucumbers, squash, peppers– yummo!  i was having a bit of an unwanted fresh tomato detox one night and i ran across a recipe for on pinterest and decided that i needed to take my little buns down to the farmers market and get the ingredients for this.  we got all the stuff we needed on sunday, but i couldn’t get around to making it until today because cooking new stuff gives me axiety and my kitchen wasn’t clean.  i don’t do my best work in the kitchen unless it’s clean.  strange i know.  

so anyway, last night after j took lil’ j to take a bath, i decided that it would be the perfect time to make my pie crust.  please do not think for one minute that i wanted to make the crust, i actually wanted to buy the frozen crust in my grocers freezer, but that sonofa didn’t have any.  ugh.  i was actually pretty impressed with myself and my pie crust.  i didn’t have butter milk and i wasn’t fixing to buy for 3/4 cup of butter milk.  i just used whole milk and called it a day.

today i was tripping hard over combining the other ingredients, blanching the tomatoes, and getting everything put together all while having a screaming toddler and baby.  i have mentioned this before but 4-6 at our house is the witching hour.  trying to make food while wrestling my son and feeding a screaming baby is all but impossible.  i decided to just to put the stuff together at 2 when c was asleep and j was intrigued by jake and the neverland pirates. 

i will spare you the details but it took me 2 hours to get the rest of the pie ready to go and involved me de-seeding tomatoes.  i make a colossal mess and at one point i texted my bff with “i want to blog about this, but [what i want to say isn’t appropriate for public consumption]”  i decided to rename my pie “bastard pie” and decided that unless the pie came out of the oven with a pair of keys to some new wheels for me and a sack of oreos that it was not worth the trouble at all. 

i preheated the oven and popped that baby in.  it smelled like heaven, but i couldnt tell if that was just because i worked up such an appetite making this ridiculous bastardness.  i pulled it out of the oven and its like i got a bitch slap from deliciousness and cheese.  i cut it to serve and thought it looked awfully savory, but refused to admit it would be good because i really didn’t ever want to feel compelled to make it again.

as it turns out, this is the best damn thing i have ever eaten. like really… amazing.  if someone would give me fresh tomatoes and corn everyday i would do nothing but make this pie.  i would hire a nanny to come and watch my children so that i could make this pie from sun up until sun down.  yes, it is that good. 

i NEVER write recipes in my recipe book, i just bookmark them in my phone and use them from there.  it is decided that i will copy the recipe for “bastard pie” into a recipe book and that all future suitors for my son will have to make it before they are allowed to go out with him.  because i really want my son to have a taste for fresh delicious tomatoes and corn and because i would rather someone else make it and i get to enjoy it. 

if you are feeling bold and decide to make it, here are a few tips:

1. i added an extra 2tbsp of butter to my dough because i misread the instructions and i was feeling particularly paula deeny with it.

2. fresh shredded cheese makes a difference.  i swear that it does.  get yourself a block and do the leg work.  you won’t be sorry.

3. having a rosary handy is helpful because you will owe a few hail mary’s after the string of curse words that you spew while making this. 

at this point i was going to input some pictures, but they are billboard size and i don’t feel like screwing around with the programing to get them to fit.   maybe another day or you can check me out on the book of faces:
also, i totally apologize for being too dumb to properly post hyperlinks.  i’d love to be able to put something witty on a link, but my ineptitude keeps me from doing so.  me so sorry.



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