im blogging so i wont be binging

i make no qualms about the fact that i am a stress eater.  i have been really trying to get a grip on my stress eating since i have had clara.  mostly because i want to be a good example for her when she grows up.  i don’t want her to see her mom binging every time the going gets tough.  tonight is pretty tough.  i would rank it easily in the top 5 most stressful days (or nights) of my life. 

tonight we are doing clara’s oxygen trial for a second time.  the first time we did the trial she was under 88% O2 saturation for more than 30% of the night.  no beuno.  baby’s under 6 months of age typically do this thing called “periodic breathing” basically, they take a big deep breath to get a lot of good oxygen in their lungs after they have had a drop in oxygen.  last time that is what got us.  i can tell by looking at the spo2 monitor that she is doing it tonight too.  last time she would drop down into the low 70s when she was doing the periodic breathing.  tonight (so far) we have only had a handful of times that she got to the low 80s, but mostly her sats are going from 96 to 88/87 when this happens.  i hope that this trend continues.  we are only 1 hour into the trial.  5 to go.  i haven’t the foggiest what i am going to do to keep myself busy that doesn’t involve eating the rest of my caramel cake, but i’ll give it my best. 

the last time we did the trial i wasn’t in full-on basketcase mode because i didn’t really know what to expect.  i just stared at her for 8 hours and watched the numbers on that little machine jump around all over the place.  jerry took the machine back to the O2 place the very next morning so that they could download the results and get them to my doctor.  the doctor called at about 430 that day to tell us that clara didn’t do well.  i am pretty sure at that exact moment someone reached into my chest and ripped out my heart.  i mean it’s not like she was any worse off than she was when we started, but i wanted her to be all better.  i dont exactly know how i managed to put a magical time frame on her wellness, but in my head that was time enough.  you just want so much for your kids to be “healthy” and although she is healthy, i want her to be able to be tube free like a normal kid. 

admittedly, i get a little jealous and frustrated when i see people who have kids straight away who get to come to the room with them after the birth, get to come home with their parents, and don’t have to get a nicu stay.  i am 2 for 2 on nicu stays.  i often times wonder what is wrong with me that i have had 2 kids and both required nicu stays.  this gorgeous little cutie even upped the anty because she came home with oxygen.  i know that she won’t go to kindergarten with her oxygen and that she will have to get it off sometime, but right now it just feels like its going to be forever.  **she dipped into the high 70s one time (77 to be exact) and i nearly burst into tears just now**

i am not putting her through a whole night of catch up breathing if she starts dipping into the low 80s and high 70s often.  i’ll just put her O2 back on and turn the monitor off.  she deserves to be able to get a peaceful nights sleep without having to catch-up breath all night long.  to me she is perfect, i just wish her lungs would get the memo.

i really don’t know what else to say.  i am choking back tears.  at about this mark last time is when she really got into a deep sleep and the periodic breathing became really pronounced and her numbers got back.  it appears as though history is repeating itself.  i’ll be sure to keep everyone posted. 

i need to go padlock the fridge.  *sigh*


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