you seriously have to have a PhD in computer programming to be able to work this damn thing.  (thing = blog setup.  thing is the international word for any word that you are searching for but that you cannot find at the time due to extreme cases of mommy brain.  i.e. “jerry, can you hand me that thing?”  or “i was going to go to that thing and do that thing, but i forgot about that other thing”) but i digress.  i was trying to make it so that my domain (whatever the Hell that is) would just be instead of  i lost the whole kit and kaboodle when i tried changing it though.  i was really going to be pissed if all my musings were deleted off the face of the planet.  how else am i going to embarrass my children when they are grown.  jeez.  come on now, blogspot, get your shit together.  oh wait, this is wordpress.  well, wordpress you come on too.

last night my baby guyman fell asleep on his daddy’s shoulder at 5pm.  we were all air high fiving and air dapping because we thought he would lay down for a little nap and then we’d be able to watch gnomeo and juliet when he woke up. you are damn right we had an exciting saturday night planned.  turns out that homeskillet was plum tuckered because when we laid him down at 5 in just his diaper to sleep, he stayed asleep until 615 this morning.   we figured out around 830 or so that he wasn’t going to be waking up until morning.   we couldn’t decide what to do with putting him in pajamas.  do we risk waking him at 830 to put him in jammers and have him be up until midnight or just let him sleep in his diaper and not turn on the air conditioner.  like any lazy responsible parent, we opted to just leave the sleeping baby lie.  NEVER wake a sleeping baby, not even when he is in a 4 hour old diaper and not even when he donts gots no clothes on neither. 

 jerry and i went to bed at 10 or so and our thermostat read 81.  yes, 81 in the house.   as i was laying there trying not to pass out from dehydration from my sweating i said “it’s so hot it reminds me of buckner” (buckner= camp buckner which is where cadet field training takes place.  this is what we do after our freshman year at west point.  in other words, if they didn’t make us miserable enough to be in full-on depression mode by the end of the first year, they want to kick off our second year with a bang [literally… a lot of bangs]).  now i have most of my west point memories pushed waaaaaaaaaayyyyyy down into the darkest corners of my soul, but i got laughing hysterically last night thinking about how effin’ hot it was out at buckner that year and the shear ridiculousness of it all. 

first of all: we were separated out by companies.  each company had a section of land in the greater buckner area where they had bays for each of the 4 platoons.  they guys from the platoon got 7/8ths of the bay and the girls got the other 1/8th. obviously, these measurements are imprecise.  just go with it.  there was a door separating the two and each side had our own bathrooms.  that bathroom just so happened to be my bunkmate.  literally, i was like a yardsticks length from the toilets.   everytime someone went to the bathroom in the middle of the night i nearly jumped out of my skin at the sound of the toilet flushing (which was damn near directly in my ear).  it’s not a wonder to me now why i REFUSE to flush the toilet in the middle of the night.  jerry won’t do it either for fear that ill fashion my toenail into a shiv and give it to him good.  no jury would convict me. 

my sheer proximity to bathroom germs was the least of my problems.  i told jerry last night “i swear to God that’s the hottest i have ever been”  jerry was doing his initial training that summer and he told me last night “it was the hottest summer on record”.  nooooowwww, jerry doesn’t have a habit of lying, but “beast war story-wise” having the hottest summer on record would propel your badassness.  just saying.  anyway, because we slept next to the boys side of the bay, it was a military camp situation for chrissakes, and victoria’s secret doesn’t exactly have pop-up shops in the middle of the woods–our night attire was our physical training clothes.  that doesn’t sound so bad except for that it was so hot i would have preferred to sleep in nothing but my sass mouth and what God gave me.  we have established that one side of my bunk bed was the bathroom.  the other side was a big metal locker.  at night, i would get so hot i would try to flatten as much of my body against the metal locker as possible.  i am sure i looked like some strung out tree frog.  and can you imagine the site the bathroom goers saw when they were headed to use the facilities?  seriously, ridiculous. 

what you don’t know is they have something called the “million dollar minute” during our training where they basically shoot every damn big gun they can get their hands on.  it’s a display of military chest beating in its purest form.  oh wait, did i mention that they divide the some odd 1000 of us in half and do it twice!?!  you mean to tell me that they spend approximately 2 million dollars in 2 minutes and these aholes can’t make it happen with some window air units?  JUST SAYIN.

in other news, we did a little swimming today.  my son kicked it off with a swimming party in the kitchen this morning around 7 am.  he is obsessed (like, we might be having to get him on my strange addiction) with putting his hands or feet or whatever he can manage into the dogs water bowl.   this morning he stomped his foot into the bowl and flung the entire contents on the floor.  i was pa-pa-pa-pissed.  before jerry could make it around the corner to put this fool in timeout he flopped himself onto the floor and started doing the breaststroke.  yes, the breaststroke right in the middle of my kitchen.  i didn’t want to laugh, so i turned around and just about bit a hole in my lip.  he breaststroked all over the kitchen.  jerry tried not to laugh too, but it was genuinely hilarious.  we finally gave up and just decided to capture it on every form of media possible.  see video:  just kidding.  wordpress is bustin’ my humps again.  i’ll edit it in later.

after he breaststroked all over my kitchen, we promised him we would let him swim later this afternoon.  and we did.



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