popcorn and poocanos

2 disclaimers: 1. poocano (like a volcano of poo) isn’t my fun word combo.  i borrowed or stole or somethinged that term from a friend.  2. i will be discussing a poop situation here that happened yesterday, so if you don’t want to know the comedic happenings of toddler poop… you might ought to look away.  if you chose not to heed my warning and then you send me a nasty gram about what an ahole i am for writing a story about my kids poop that will embarrass him and that he will never forgive me and his wife will have to hide her face in shame one day or any combination of the above just know that i will call you a 5 letter word starting with b and ending with itch.  you’ve been warned.  now twice.  and no, names will not be changed to protect the innocent because well… it’s my blog and everyone already knows what my kids names are. 

so anyway, yesterday my toddler was somewhat back to his normal precious self.  i could tell he still didn’t feel good, but instead of running around and screaming eardrum busting screams he was more the pitiful snuggly type.  me likey.  when i woke up yesterday jerry had already opened all windows in the house.  we were enjoying the crisp 80 degree weather and the sweet smell of rain leftover from the night before.  a little around 10 or so something not so sweet caught my nose.  it kept getting closer and closer and closer.  i realized that it was coming from the toy chest by the door.  i wasn’t sure if something had crawled into one of the bins and died overnight or what nonsense we were dealing with.  i went over and sniffed around until i located the smell.  i was a mommy hound dog.  don’t act like you haven’t done it.  if the warning above didn’t scare you off there is a considerable chance you are a mom with your own shitspolsion that you could tell stories about.  well. well. well.  the smell wasn’t coming from one of the bins it was coming from my sons pajamas.  and that is where things started to get interesting.  remember that this child is teething.  teething toddlers are very similar to teething babies in what it does to the poo, but only its on a much bigger scale.  i grabbed a diaper and laid my son down on the floor like i always do to change him.  this time when i opened his diaper i realized we werent dealing with any old normal poo… this was a mando man sized teething poo.  i grabbed the wipes and went to work.  that’s when my son decided to grab the first wipe (the first wipe always gets it the worst) and pull it out, across the carpet, and start petting his head with it.  you see, i often times use a wet wipe to tame his fly-aways.  this time he thought he would do it.  only that wasn’t some 1950s salve on the wipe.  so now its on his hands, his head, the floor, and after surveying the situation i realize its up his back to his shoulderblades.  i stand him up, pull his shirt off his head, and wipe down his back.  before i can get another wipe out of the container he is off running.  no, he isnt clean from the belly button down and yes he does run head first into his beanbag chair.  he rolls all around on it like a wet dog trying to dry off.  oh. my. God.  stunned, i pull him off.  he doesn’t come easily though, so i have to pull him off of the beanbag not thinking about the skid marks i just left on the carpet.  he realizes that something isn’t right at this point and puts his hands on my face to comfort me like he always does.  only this time it looks like he has been finger painting with pudding.  now my face is covered too.  oh and my clothes.  i strip down to naked too realizing that this pootastrophy is going to end one way: with me and him in the bath.  he still hasn’t been cleaned beyond the one wipe situation and he refuses to come to the tub.  he is dancing around naked with poop from  one end to the other… literally.  what’s a mom to do?  i have to pick him up, put him on my hip, and head to the tub.  meanwhile, poor clara is just sitting in her swing staring with horror at the poop war that me and jack both just lost.  or maybe she just doesn’t really have control over where she is looking yet.  either way, i felt her eyes burning my back as i walked away.  im pretty sure she was wondering what kind of a freak show she was born into.  jack man and i got into the tub and washed off poocano explosion. 

after the bath, i went into the den with plastic bags on both of my hands in just my skivvies and cleaned up the mess that happened in the den.  jack into his room to play.  i just couldn’t risk him messing with the leftovers and trying to give his sister war paint.  after things were cleaned up, we had lunch.  i mean, how appetizing?  right?

jman napped and then we woke up and had a little snacky snack.  i made popcorn and he crawled up on the couch to watch tv and nibble on popcorn with me.  only today he took an interesting spin on the usual popcorn consumption.  he would take out a handful of popcorn, put it in between my boobs, and then take it out one piece at a time and eat it.  when my lady cavern was empty, he would refill and start all over again.  what a cute little weirdo. 

so that’s my day yesterday in a nutshell. 

today i finished “the Help”.  i thought it was fantastic.  i loved everything about it.  i especially loved that when the maids were saying “Lord” the author wrote “law”.  i’m totally adopting that one.  law, i’m a dork.

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