5 weeks on the labor train… and counting

i am convinced that my children hate me before i even meet them.  i’m anticipating a record setting rough teen years if they are making the trends this early. 

my darling son gave me PUPPP at 28 weeks and i had to suffer through until 38 weeks.  for those of you who don’t know PUPPP… it is when little mignons of satan climb into your body through the scatchs on your stretch marks and take up residence.  they bring little fiery wands of Hell with them and the wickedist batch of fiberglass insulation shards– just to make sure you itch and burn at the same time.   the good news?  there is no cure.  the best my doctor at the time could do for me was sending me off to walgreens with marching orders to buy out the entire stock of benadryl.  benadryl naps?  awesome.  benadryl comma for 10 weeks straight?  = a great time to read the entire twilight series.  team edward 4 eva and eva!  if you think edward and jacob look good “sober” you should try checking them out in a solid 4 week benadryl haze (all while eating your 1000 hot pocket because you can’t operate the stove for fear of falling asleep on top of a burner mid- meal preparation). 

 my most glorious moment of my pregnancy with baby j was when i called my husband in tears at 10 in the morning begging him to come home.  no, i wasnt in labor.  i was wielding a disposable razor hoping desperately to shave my legs after weeks.  i asked him to come home because i felt it was either shave my legs or check myself into the nearest psych ward.  i itched so bad that i was afraid if i went to shaving i’d take my leg right off in an effort to relieve the itch.  needless to say, my husband promptly left work and came on home (to this day i don’t know why he didn’t bring home a bulk bottle of prozac with him to crush up in my morning coffee).  i got shaved legs that day.  it was a small victory.  i am pretty sure i didn’t shave again until the day of delivery as i didn’t want my husband running out of leave days.

and then on 21 december, my most precious and perfect little man came into the world.  was it worth the itch? i’d say yes because today i sit here 36 + 3 days pregnant with my daughter.

on thursday my son will turn 16 months and i am convinced that if just the act of getting pregnant again didn’t secure a place in crazy-town for me, then the birth of my daughter 16 months after my son will definitley do it. 

this little chick has upped the ante in miserable pregnancies too.  she didn’t even bother waiting until 28 weeks to bring on the PUPPP.  she sent teeny-tiny monogrammed invites to the mignons a little after 20 weeks to move right on in.  i am very thankful that she at least laid down some ground rules that they would only be inhabiting my stomach strech marks.  aside from the fact that i am down at least 13 layers of epidermis more than usual on my stomach,  the PUPPP has been rather tolerable.   or maybe the memories of my last torture are just so raw that my PUPPP PTSD won’t allow me to feel pain.  either way, i’ll take what i can get.

in addition to hopping on the PUPPP wagon a little prematurely, this sister decided she was going to bust a move on out of my uterus at 31 weeks.  um, no.  after a solid thursday afternoon of brutal contractions that weren’t going away,  i decided that i’d better make a visit to my dr.  the midwife hooked me up to the nst machine and viola!… just as i had said… contractions lasting a minute every 3.  the midwife came back in after a sweet 20 minutes of agony and said “ooohhhhh you are contracting close together”  no shit sherlock.  i was told to go home, lay down, do not pass go, do not collect $200.  (and stay that way until 36 weeks). 

for the next 3 weeks i did exactly as the doctor ordered.  i laid, i lazed, and i lost my marbles.  i was instructed to go to the hospital if i had more than 5 contractions and hour.  my daughter must have quite keen hearing even in utero because guess how many contractions i had every hour from 31 weeks to nearly 34?  5.  that’s right.  not 4, not 6, not 5.5, just 5.  i guess jerry and i will have to start spelling words instead of saying them when she is approximately 1 minute old to keep her from catching on. 

after the 35 week mark, i was allowed to have as many contractions an hour as she wants as long as they don’t get worse.  already an overachiever,  i’ve been in “latent” labor now for nearly 3 weeks.  as “latent ” labor was explained to me–  “sometimes you just need to contract for weeks and weeks before your cervix starts to dilate”  super.   most people who don’t have a penchant for incubating difficult children have non-painful contractions for a week or two.  then, there are those of us who have super stubborn cervixes and super stubborn nuggets.  i’m on week 5 total of *painful* contractions and my cervix is sitting at sweet 2+ cm.  this could go on and on til 40.5 weeks.  damn, i need some ice cream just thinking about it.

seriously though, i wouldn’t trade either of my nuggets for any less stubborn kid (and easier pregnancy) on the planet.  God gives us the perfect children and i realize just how lucky i am.  i’d rather suffer for 40 weeks than not have these miracles at the end of my sentence gestation.   

God is good all the time.


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